Showing up for yourself..

Okay, so this is one of those unscripted conversations I have with myself, and probably yet another vulnerable article.

Time and again, I have said that Unscripted has been my safe space for self-discovery (the irony of it all is that my safe space is on the world wide web). This is where I show up for myself in many ways. A couple of weeks ago, I took a leap and decided to make a long overdue move. And sometimes, with big leaps, when you land, you stumble. I stumbled a lot (new environment, new people, different expectations, ah, the people pleaser in me!). A couple of weeks later, I had one social media incident (harassment from a stranger, which ranged from creating multiple accounts and really hurtful comments), and I cowered and closed things down. These are the moments where I blatantly lied to myself about how I was doing. From self-criticism, self-blame, refusing help or not asking for it at all, maintaining that I might not be enough, running when I needed to stay, and mostly staying when I knew I needed to leave. I had been struggling to hone my creativity again, and this was the final push into a corner, and I stopped putting in the work. I stopped showing up for myself.

Nothing is quite as disconcerting as the sense of abandonment that comes from leaving yourself behind. It's almost like a betrayal, this walking away from oneself. And I've done it when I really needed to have my own back that I now need to regularly practise forgiveness for leaving myself out to dry.

I've come to believe that running out on ourselves only leads us in a wide circle until we are back in front of the mirror. At this point, we choose: To run again or to show up. Packing up and moving, removing myself from where I did not want to take a lot from, but it happened. It took a lot for me to publish my last article, but I finally managed to get there. I forgave myself for leaving myself behind.

Now that I think about it, the pain of walking out on myself became more significant than the effort required to show up for myself. I had to choose which type of hard I wanted.

I chose to show up.

Coming from the place of having your own back presents a life of possibilities. It allows you to be tender and forgiving. It enables you to soften into your experience of trying. It allows you to be completely human while accepting all the imperfections along the way. And most importantly, the confidence that you can trust yourself to be there when you need yourself most. It won't come quickly. But life is lighter and brighter over here.

Now, when I reflect on this, I think of how there is a search for the secret to inspiration when you are a creative. Like, what is it really? Is it a flame that starts small and becomes a bigger fire? Is it like lightning that strikes when you're least expecting it? What then happens when the inspiration is just gone? And the most successful creatives, are they born inspired or just do a better job of picking something and making magic out of it? After a bit of research, it's about finding your stride, making quality stuff, and being good at it mostly comes down to just showing up. Regarding creativity, showing up doesn't just mean arriving at a place — it means being prepared to put in the work, regardless of outside factors or obstacles, including your own naysaying mind.

"Inspiration is for amateurs…the rest of us just show up and get to work." ~ Chuck Close

"Even on the days you don't feel like it, showing up can make all the difference. If you show up and start the work – even though it feels so heavy to do so – what you end up making could be all you need to keep moving, to keep creating."

Showing up is also like when you RSVP to go to an event. You put it in your calendar, and you may tell people that you will go, but on the day, you might feel otherwise and choose not to go instead (maybe you're tired or just not interested anymore). Even though you had the intention to go, you didn't. Now imagine this event is your creative process, or your creations are the party. The intention is great, and so is inspiration, but if you're not there for it, not doing the work for it, you have nothing to show but ideas and aspirations.

If you've made this far on this article, thank you for reading my rant and processing stuff around me.

What does showing up mean to you?