A review of year 31, we don’t hate it
I recall starting this blog just before I turned 30, and I had a lot of big feelings. Like most of us, I felt stuck, like I'd been going in circles. I felt alone, unaccomplished, and weak. I wanted more out of my life. What sucked more is I wanted to be in a different space, but I didn't know what that was. I was so blinded by anxiety I almost failed to be present and appreciate the small things. Writing this article reminded me of some memorable moments I experienced that year. Getting into 2022, I promised myself I would make some changes. 2022 was ushered in by Circles, Post Malone. Any real significance? I had a flight to Sanya and realised my apple music had been updated a while ago. I had yet to download almost all my music except for this one. After 3 hours of the same song, I was ready to make some changes! One of the changes I knew I needed to make was finally leaving China, but I needed to be braver. I procrastinated this move, but I did look into some options. I was comfortable until the infamous Shanghai lockdown. This was when I knew I needed to leave my comfort zone. That Post Malone changes! There is a much longer story about this move, the challenges, the tears, and the extra baggage fee, but I picked up a few lessons along the way.
Fall fiercely in love with life
I recently wrote an article about romanticising life, the small things. Falling in love with the small pieces that bring joy into your life, the sun in your pocket. When I stopped being anxious about what I could have achieved, I started to embrace “now” more than anything. “Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent on how you respond to it”, says Ernest Hemingway. Life is a gift. Appreciate it and love it. It is a journey filled with people, experiences, emotions, heartbreaks, and love. Feel the joy. There’s so much joy in the world, so much to enjoy…and we miss so much of it because we’re so busy and fed up. I know I did. Don’t get me wrong, I had some great times in my twenties – I did a lot of fun stuff…but I also missed a lot of the joy in my life at the time because I was so convinced it was awful. Even when life sucks, there are small joys to be found, glorious moments to be enjoyed – find enough of them and you’ll find yourself falling naturally in love with life, no matter how messy it is.
Therapy!
I was late to this party but i am glad I got to it. There is an unfortunate stigma against professional help. Our negative connotation of therapy pulls us into a belief that we should carry shame if we see a therapist, and that it needs to be kept as our deepest darkest secret. The truth is life gets messy. Things can crack, then break. We all have tendencies or coping mechanisms that are prohibiting us from living authentic joyful lives. Our pasts, experiences, families, or daily stressors can be catalysts for patterns that aren’t working for us. Professionals are equipped to navigate our stories and provide guidance that will improve how we approach life. I use the term “big feelings” alot and sometimes we all need a little help to unpack or navigate them. Recognising that I could not do it alone was a big step for me, and has helped me to stay more in tune with my feelings, triggers and learning to set boundaries.
Date!
Hi mum! LOL! Honestly speaking though, the love of my life is not going to find me whilst laying on the couch. I learnt to put myself out there more, it has helped me figure out what I actually want in a partner, what my expectations are and how I see my future with someone.
Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal.
It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.
Can we start a support group on changing bodies in your thirties!
I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.
Understanding that some situationships/ relationships/ friendships can come to an end
Something about "we're in our young twenties!" hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or perhaps they'll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It's sad, but sometimes, when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you'll always keep the memories. One of my friends uses the term "friends from jail", which is when we hold onto relationships just because we have done time together. You get to meet more new people with time. I have learned that ephemeral friendships—the ones that last one year, one week, or even one evening—can be as transformational as long-term ones. Instead of regretting the loss of some friends, I'm grateful I learned from them in the first place.
Diversify the people you surround yourself with
Having friends of all backgrounds, ages, and genders will help you better understand the world in which we live. Since spending most of my 20s in a multicultural environment, I have made friends from everywhere. Some of them are 10 years younger than me, and some of them are 10 years older. Many of them are from diverse backgrounds and all corners of the world, and they never cease to amaze me with their life advice and wisdom. Having new perspectives from people living a different life or lifestyle to yours will continue to allow you to see the world in a new light.
Vulnerability is the key to close relationships.
Being exposed to the possibility of being harmed is terrifying. I used to want to be strong—to act strong, to be perceived as strong. But the day I decided to accept that I was as messy and lost as everyone else opened up so many friendships that wouldn’t have flourished had I decided to keep this facade. When you open up, you tell people it’s okay to be themselves, and you get a glimpse into their minds—which is the most wonderful thing in the world.
Setting Boundaries
I have a whole article on this!
Hot mess, and okay with it
In my early 20s, I tried to be perfect and do it all. I aimed to be viewed positively and didn’t dare admit defeat in my issues or true desires. However, I’ve found that all goes out the door with time. Do friends invite you to go out after 9 p.m. on Friday? Nope. Do you always cry while eating a big bag of Doritos during cheesy movies? Yep, don’t care. You eventually come to terms with these little nuances and learn to be comfortable with them. There’s nothing wrong with owning up and admitting mistakes and failures. These “hot mess” moments allow you to embrace the human condition. Once you stop apologizing for who you are and begin reflecting inwards, you’ll eventually evolve into the person you’re meant to become.
Spend time alone
I clearly don't have the effortless lack of responsibility or ability to pull all-nighters like I did in my early 20s. I am more self-assured and confident than ever and care less about fitting in or being liked. While fostering the relationships that make me happy is an important part of wellness, I've also learnt to foster a healthy relationship with myself. I am more comfortable spending time alone and paying attention to my needs. #selfcare. I used to take myself on solo dates, but now I understand better why that's important for me to take time out to check in with myself and spend some alone time, falling fiercely in love with my life.
